Finn Solo- Addressing the Comments
Fun fact: we plan on Finn being an only child.
No, this was not all Brad and I’m just following along to make him happy. We don’t work like that. I was actually the one who brought it up when we first started discussing Finn. Kids (plural) don’t feel right for us, it feels overwhelming, complicated, exhausting…simply not the direction we picture our family going.
I remember the moment so clearly. We were talking about starting our family and how “so if we have one at this time we would want to start trying for our second around this time and…” then I looked at Brad and said “why don’t we just have one?” and both of us immediately felt the weight lift.
Society tends to place these expectations on us and they’re so engraved into our lives, you forget there are other ways of living- that your family doesn’t have to consist of two plus children, a dog, white picket fence, nice job you may or may not like. As a little girl two kids was always the answer but I was also religious and believed in Santa Claus. Then I went through a phase with my parents and decided out of spite I wanted none. It wasn’t until that moment, on the sofa with my husband, I FINALLY realized the life I wanted. I am so happy he felt the same.
It’s not that I don’t understand the gift of more children. I know the love of one, seeing him love another perfect little yandi baby sounds like magic. But we’re choosing a different life.
The reason I feel compelled to write this in the first place is because now is the time we would have started trying for baby number two.
When we share that we only want one child, we get the same responses every time and I thought it was time to shed light on how rude they are, even if you don’t realize it (picture commenting on a pregnant women’s body). Please prepare yourself for some very blunt writing.
You say: “I was an only child and hated it”
My response: Then it’s a really good thing no two families are the same- we will share different dynamics and experiences together. Also, I literally do not care.
You say: “Oh, you’ll change your mind. Just wait.”
I receive this one the most, you probably even thought it while reading this.
My response: We know who we are and there is a 99.9% chance we will not plan on having another child. Even if we do one day change our minds (we won’t) it is none of your business. So, place your bets but keep it to yourselves.
You say: “Ohh was he a bad baby? You know every baby is different.”
My response: I could not have asked for a better baby. He slept for four-six hours a night, got his daddies chill-ness, and his mama’s spunk, he is the happiest chunkster around. I promise you, this has nothing to do with Finn being a “bad baby”.
You say: “Is it because you don’t want to be pregnant again?”
My response: My pregnancy was magical. I am the person who hates talking about how much they loved their pregnancy because others get mad at how easy it was. I felt like a unicorn (turned whale in the last month) that lived off of glitter water and rainbows. I once asked Brad how he would feel if I became a surrogate and after he said he would be fine with it, for .5 seconds, I seriously considered it.
You say: “You’re breaking your parent’s hearts”
My response: They should be solid on their toes by now. And we’re certainly not going to have another child for my parents (they wish).
Getting deeper into this one: when I look at Finn I see a unique beautiful little soul who my sole purpose is to nurture him to grow into whomever he chooses to become. I am here to guide, love, and accept him, and I will respect his adult choices- our parents do the same.
You say: “That’s really selfish of you.”
My response: Bite me.
This is one that I have read in comments on others social media pages but always still feels directed at us. “Why would you even have one then?”, “you’re robbing your kid of a best friend”, etc. If us choosing to have one child so we can guarantee him a kick ass life and not lose ourselves in the madness of providing it is selfish, then yeah, we’re crab pot royalty (shellfish-selfish.. dad joke). I’m not saying that if you have more than one child you won’t be able to give them an amazing life, what I’m saying is that we believe it’s the best way for our family to live our best life. Re-read that sentence for me. We, our family, our life… ultimately our decision.
Lying in bed the other night I asked Brad if there was something wrong with me- why don’t I see a newborn and get the unshakable desire my peers do? I am a women, aren’t I supposed to want that?
How sad is that?
Sometimes it feels like the concept of choosing to have an only child is new. It’s not. Sometimes I feel like we are alone in our lifestyle choices. We’re not. And even though I know all of this sometimes I still feel lonely, guilty, or like I may be falling short. I’m not.
And to anyone out there who wants the same type of family or even no children- we get you.
You don’t have to like it, you don’t have to understand, you’re welcome to your own opinions- we just don’t care to hear them. This doesn’t mean we refuse to talk about the reasoning behind our choice, we will happily discuss it. We simply wanted to address some of the rude responses we have received.
It hasn’t been just negative either: “if you aren’t going to have another Finn, then can I?”, “that is fitting for who you two are.”, “well, I better jump on the baby train soon if one of my kids is going to marry yours.”
The friends and family that understand us, understand.